Scared

I have been suffering chronic back aches for quite some time now, and the more weight I lose, the worse they get, ironic, isn't it? Moreover I am constantly tired, the more I sleep, the more sleep I seem to be needing. I've been struggling to function normally for a month or three or four or so, and that's getting worse, just like my back aching.

Last Monday, the day of Christmas Eve, I absolutely lost it. Frequent haivy pains and continuous tiredness doesn't make you a really nice person, well, it doesn't make me a nice person... So I picked out the strongest opponent I could find at work and verbally attacked him. The battle wasn't even mine to fight. It was actually one of my less assertive colleagues fights, but she didn't seem to bother to say no and stand up for herself, so I did. And only gave up when the other one walked away, not even feeling a bit of victory nor sorry that I did it, the only thing I did feel was that I had lost a bit of the frustration.

Then when I was full of frustration again and there were no strong opponents in my neighbourhood, I nearly bursted out in tears. That's the point where I picked up the phone to ring my doctor for an appointment, that's not me, I don't attack my colleagues and I do not burst out in tears for no obvious reason, I didn't even do that when I was pregnant, so why would I start doing that now!? I got an appointment for Friday evening. Yeah, the holiday season, what a time of year to be needing a doctor!

I did have a talk to my boss on the back pain matter, and he thought that it came from my heart. He practices Shiatsu. It could be right though, but it scared me too... It's an odd idea, that your figurative heart can give you that much pain...

Friday night finally brought an answer... I have had a cyste on my back for quite some time now and it has found its way in between my ribs on my backside, and it is in the middle of a nerve line, so when it changes shape, it causes instant pain, but that's not the only thing, I have suffered with my back and hips during my pregnancy with Ilyas, which might have been caused by a car accident I was in. But I thought it was better afterwards, which it wasn't. Now I don't feel the pain in my hips, but they still are not on the same level, my left one shifts through for about 10 cm, add this to the fact that my loss of weight has made my lower back lose stability, so when it should be going up in one line, mine is doing anything but going up in a straight line.
The pains are worse when I'm tired, which I mostly am so it's kind of a viscious circle.

Now I need to see a kinesitherapist in combination with a relaxation therapist, and I need to do it soon...

Because there is more, I need to relax more, need to take more free time, because according to my doctor I am well on my way to become a CFS patient. CFS meaning Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She said that if I didn't take action fast it might turn out badly. I needed to hit the brake and set my goals a lot lower then I have been putting them lately.

This scares the hell out of me

I have seen documentaries on CFS patients, they just fell asleep wherever they were, in the middle of a conversation or so... But those cases are only the worst ones, like always only the worst is shown on tele, but still. So now I will start relaxation therapy, and I will set lower goals, ironically the lower I set my goal the higher I score.

My own people...

one of my friends / colleagues just came back from holiday, he spent a month in Thailand and came back with some souvenirs and a load of information. Appearantly there is a people in the mountains called "Karen". And he bought me a souvenir doll / keychain.

To find out more about the Karen people, click here.

Citytrip

The end of the year is approching rapidly and we are ready for yet another city trip, so we've been looking at places to go to, seeing some prices etc. and probably we'll end up in London again :D yeey!!! I love that city! I thought we'd not go there for quite some time, but appearantly we're going back this year!! Hoorrah!!!

Reading about food

OK, I admit I love talking about food, but this morning someone gave me a brochure featuring about 30 to 40 books about food (not cook books), how much can one read about food!? and how much weight will I gain afterwards? Because I have the strong impression that reading about food will only make me hungry and hunger usually makes me eat etc.
Ok, that solves the coat problem, but still...

Fashion

I'll never quite understand fashion, I have known a long time, and I am aware of the fact that I might never understand it. But really... during summer period the 7/8 pants were the thing to wear. And now, in autumn, whilst it's getting colder, windier, rainier, it's the hippest thing to wear extremely short pants! What's up with that!?

Give me a warm cuddly sweater, preferably in wool with a nice warm collar, a pair of pants that at least covers my knees and shoes that will fit up to about that.

which brings me to my new mission: finding a new winter coat, because I am wearing my old one now, and it fits another Karen in it, aaaaaah, the advantages of losing weight. But to me it's not really one of the advantages though because I'm not too fond of shopping for new clothes. The most embarrasing things happen to me whilst shopping...
Either there is someone snapping things from my hand, either I trip and pull down a load of clothes, or there is a kid that thinks his mum is in the fitting room where I'm in (mostly just in my undies... jeej)

New hobby

I've got a new hobby, you'll laugh your arses off, but well hey, I have got to keep myself out of trouble ;) My new hobby is crochet, regular crochet and amigurumi, which is making crocheted toys and stuff. :) I'll post some pics of my creatures soon.



However, I already have a picture of Yaesseen and Ilyas wearing a snake scarf I made, only Ilyas' scarf is really visible though... ;) If anyone of you should feel like making a similar one, the pattern can be found here.

My soul

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?