Scared

I have been suffering chronic back aches for quite some time now, and the more weight I lose, the worse they get, ironic, isn't it? Moreover I am constantly tired, the more I sleep, the more sleep I seem to be needing. I've been struggling to function normally for a month or three or four or so, and that's getting worse, just like my back aching.

Last Monday, the day of Christmas Eve, I absolutely lost it. Frequent haivy pains and continuous tiredness doesn't make you a really nice person, well, it doesn't make me a nice person... So I picked out the strongest opponent I could find at work and verbally attacked him. The battle wasn't even mine to fight. It was actually one of my less assertive colleagues fights, but she didn't seem to bother to say no and stand up for herself, so I did. And only gave up when the other one walked away, not even feeling a bit of victory nor sorry that I did it, the only thing I did feel was that I had lost a bit of the frustration.

Then when I was full of frustration again and there were no strong opponents in my neighbourhood, I nearly bursted out in tears. That's the point where I picked up the phone to ring my doctor for an appointment, that's not me, I don't attack my colleagues and I do not burst out in tears for no obvious reason, I didn't even do that when I was pregnant, so why would I start doing that now!? I got an appointment for Friday evening. Yeah, the holiday season, what a time of year to be needing a doctor!

I did have a talk to my boss on the back pain matter, and he thought that it came from my heart. He practices Shiatsu. It could be right though, but it scared me too... It's an odd idea, that your figurative heart can give you that much pain...

Friday night finally brought an answer... I have had a cyste on my back for quite some time now and it has found its way in between my ribs on my backside, and it is in the middle of a nerve line, so when it changes shape, it causes instant pain, but that's not the only thing, I have suffered with my back and hips during my pregnancy with Ilyas, which might have been caused by a car accident I was in. But I thought it was better afterwards, which it wasn't. Now I don't feel the pain in my hips, but they still are not on the same level, my left one shifts through for about 10 cm, add this to the fact that my loss of weight has made my lower back lose stability, so when it should be going up in one line, mine is doing anything but going up in a straight line.
The pains are worse when I'm tired, which I mostly am so it's kind of a viscious circle.

Now I need to see a kinesitherapist in combination with a relaxation therapist, and I need to do it soon...

Because there is more, I need to relax more, need to take more free time, because according to my doctor I am well on my way to become a CFS patient. CFS meaning Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She said that if I didn't take action fast it might turn out badly. I needed to hit the brake and set my goals a lot lower then I have been putting them lately.

This scares the hell out of me

I have seen documentaries on CFS patients, they just fell asleep wherever they were, in the middle of a conversation or so... But those cases are only the worst ones, like always only the worst is shown on tele, but still. So now I will start relaxation therapy, and I will set lower goals, ironically the lower I set my goal the higher I score.